Short and Sweet

i wish i could dive into his brain,

swim with all that he's refrained.

feeling his thoughts bounce off my hips,

as a smile dances across my lips.

The book of Roman

so i was talking to a friend the other day, who is no longer my friend but that's not the point. they suggested that i read roman in it's intirety. he even read me some of the book and told me it only had 16 chapters.. piece of cake. so anyways, today i felt compelled to bust open my handy cell phone bible app and listen to the book of roman. i got half way through and stopped, but the first half was all things i knew.. just didn't break down and think too deeply about. blew me away at how much we actually do take our "gift" of salvation for granted. i, myself am not excluded. pshh am i ever? lol anyways it's really a lot that Jesus endured for us all. i can't even fathom actually enduring what He did.. and not even for his own sake. it was all done for us, so that we may be delivered from this sinful life. so that we are able to live our lives in such a way that we will be in our Lord's favor. yet, we take for granted what the gift was meant for. so many of us aren't even thankful for that, much less do we live our lives accordingly. we feel like we are entitled to forgivness of our sins, as we do not forgive others for theirs. you are measured out, how you measure out to others. that's scary to me, only because i know how i measure. you are judged by how you judge others. another scary point because i know how i am about judging others. we are all sinners. period. there is no need for my judgement. that is our Lords job.

i need to focus on giving to others, no matter what i have. if they need, i should give.. just as our Father would. He has blessed me with enough to give in many situations. i know that He will provide for me, or make a way for me when i need it. so in turn, i shall do that for His people. it's not always money, in fact a lot of the time it isn't even money. it may be time, compassion, love, care.. clothes, food etc. you will know when you are supposed to give. God will make it known to you. 

i also need to focus on what i'm doing with my life, my works, the fruit i am baring. stop judging people, especially based on looks alone. i have started that. the mental hospital opened my eyes to that in a big way. most of the people in there were people that i would take one look at and just say "no", if i had been out in the real world. i probably would have made fun of them for one thing or another. i got to know those people and liked the lot of them. everyone is human, everyone is going through something. i have to stop being so quick to judge, because most of all.. i miss out on very cool people. people that can teach me things, or open my mind to greater things. it's like that song by kings of leon, use somebody. i've been looking down at all i see. what is wrong with me. when did i decide i was so darned perfect that i actually have the right to judge anyone? 

Tiny Tornado

i'm so over this crying weepy feeling i've been having. i'm the worst with dealing with my emotions. i'm feeling like enough is enough with it. i don't want to emote. i can feel myself closing down. i try to control it so bad.. but it almost always wins. i let it, it gets so intense i just can't fight it anymore. racing thoughts are such a bitch. it's like a tiny tornado in my mind picking up and throwing all these different thoughts and ideas around. i hope the church i watch tomorrow can lift my spirits because right now i'm just....here.

Choose your words wisely

so my life isn't exactly like i want it to be, but guess what? i don't care right now. happiness and positivity is a choice. everything i say and do has the power to be great or shit. i choose great, even if everything around me isn't exactly such.. it is, because i made that choice. get it? so i was conversing with a friend of mine who reminded me of the importance of my words. he pointed out that i say too many colorful words. i'd love to deny that and shoot you an innocent look, but it's totally true.. and it's not even cool. without my even knowing it those words set my mood. he's right. i wish i could say i came to this notion on my own, but hey the Lord puts people in your life for reasons right? of course i can't just cut all the colorful words out of my vocabulary at once, and the same with my negative thoughts too. Slowly but surely though I can be more positive than negative.. even just by small choices. my words mean so much more than i even thought. it's nuts. i'm starting to enjoy just beats to songs, and or piano/violin covers of songs with negative words in them. music can serve it's purpose without filling your mind with goo. i'm starting to sound like i'm some old lady but i'm so serious. changing the words i say and/or hear, changes the mood i am in. i'm on the positive train and i got no brakes lol feeling thankful and blessed.

Mail from my soldier

The front

The inside. 

Loca loca loca

i'm emotional. what is freakin new? lol i've been listening to this song over and over again. this morning it just got to me and i started to cry. i dislike a lot of things i've done, and the person i've been towards some people. sometimes i get so down on myself. i hate it, but i do like to punish myself. i wish i wasn't like that. i wish i could just be ok with myself. i mean it's good that i do realize my behavior isn't acceptable. i'm the one standing in the way of my own happiness. all of this hurt and shame i gotta let it go.. i gotta forgive myself. i'm not always going to be the perfect person i feel like i MUST be. all the advice i give to all my friends to make them feel better, i need to take.. as well. it's normal to feel overwhelmed by life.. it's a crazy roller coaster.. but i'ma be here til i go to a better place so i just gotta put my all into being a better me everyday. today is going to be a good day, even if i am emotional. i can cry and smile if i want. who cares i'm bi-polar! :]

Forgiveness and Reminders

so my life isn't exactly like i want it to be, but guess what? i don't care right now. happiness and positivity is a choice. everything i say and do has the power to be great or shit. i choose great, even if everything around me isn't exactly such.. it is, because i made that choice. get it? so i was conversing with a friend of mine who reminded me of the importance of my words. he pointed out that i say too many colorful words. i'd love to deny that and shoot you an innocent look, but it's totally true.. and it's not even cool. without my even knowing it those words set my mood. he's right. i wish i could say i came to this notion on my own, but hey the Lord puts people in your life for reasons right? of course i can't just cut all the colorful words out of my vocabulary at once, and the same with my negative thoughts too. Slowly but surely though I can be more positive than negative.. even just by small choices. my words mean so much more than i even thought. it's nuts. i'm starting to enjoy just beats to songs, and or piano/violin covers of songs with negative words in them. music can serve it's purpose without filling your mind with goo. i'm starting to sound like i'm some old lady but i'm so serious. changing the words i say and/or hear, changes the mood i am in. i'm on the positive train and i got no brakes lol feeling thankful and blessed.