Year 27

I kind of sat here thinking of what my first entry could be about for a bit. Year 27 came to mind. It's been a hell of a year for me. It started out happy, cousin just had twins. She asked me to help her take care of them, I agreed. One day, out of no where she just didn't call me or contact me, then later proceeded to delete me from facebook. All of this without telling me or letting me know anything. Later I hear that she's telling people some story about me begging to watch her babies. Umm I love my baby cousins and all but I'm 27 years old with no children.. I'm not exactly begging to babysit. It hurt me because I thought enough time had gone by since we had hung out, that she might have changed.. but no. I was pissed I put myself in that position once again.

Then I started taking care of my nephew when he was almost a month old. It has been the hardest, most awesome experience. I have him almost 11 hrs a day. I love him so, but also love giving him back lol Around the time my nephew was 4 months old, I took on caring for another baby. She was very young as well, like 3 weeks I believe. I tried my best to be able to please them both but I couldn't. I was going in sane. One day I just had it.. in general, not just with the babies. I went on a mission, tearing up.. and breaking things, even biting and hitting myself. I was spent. I had to try to check myself into bay view. It took all day long but I was in.

I spent 3 days on medicine (for the first time), talking about my problems and my life with complete strangers. It was such a nice feeling to be able to hear someone else identify with your feelings. The "oh thank God" feeling when you aren't alone, because alone fucking sucks. Then I left, because shit was getting very redundant. Now I'm out, without any meds because the Dr. that wrote the script isn't affiliated with the hospital that fills my scripts. So,  another month and I finally get an appt. with a Dr. that is affiliated with my hospital. I saw him for 2.5 seconds, he reduces my meds from 4 to 2. Tells me good day basically. Whatever, he'll see me in 3 months. I leave pretty pissed off.

A couple weeks into my meds I start to feel a lot less depressed. I'm a lot more tolerable. My mom even commented on it. Out of everyone she gets to the worst of me, so for her to say that means very much. I'm enjoying life, little things aren't getting to me. And then BAM...

The guy I like wants to leave me. He's ignoring me. I feel like I'm dying. My emotions were everywhere. I freaked the fuck out. I just kept thinking it was over, and I needed him. I'd lost him. Worst week of my life. It's been on and off with he and I. I don't feel secure with him.

My meds seem to have stopped working about a month into. I self medicated several ways. One morning I had taken a 2 mg xanax bar, I was feeling great. Wanted to talk to my bf.. he stalled and stalled and stalled. Ended up pissing me off. He ignored my txts. I just flipped, like never before this time. I cut my leg with a box cutter. Felt like I got all my feelings out,  but soon after felt like I was such a weak bitch.

I've only got 5 more months of being 27, but here's to hoping that is the worst of this and years to come.