Argg

well since my episode of cutting and kicking a hole in the wall, i've been feeling better. i guess i just needed a release? it's kind of shitty when you really think about it, because it's happening more often. i can't hold as much shit in anymore. once it gets to a certain point, i blow. i snap in my head. i didn't realize this until i offered my cuz my old mp3 player. i couldn't find it anywhere. finally found it and totally forgot that i tried to break it in half. the screen was all fucked up. i felt bad because she really wanted it and i trashed it in one of my stupid ass episodes without even recalling any of it. none of this is healthy for my mental.. or my body either with my blood pressure most likely sky high in the moments of my episode. i become a tornado, fucking up all kinds of shit. 

i am still in a sort of shock about cutting myself. i never thought that i would ever do that to myself. i never understood cutting. i still don't. the thought crossed my mind, why? not sure. i went to find a razor (my mom usually has some for work, cutting boxes) i saw one on the bar, picked it up.. looked at it. it was rusty on one side but the other end was fine. i took it back to my room, and sat on my bed. crazy thoughts were running through my head. it was kind of like i was against myself. i wanted to attack myself, but i also wanted to stop and save myself.. from myself. i started breathing heavily and pushed the razor until i saw blood. i just sat there looking at my leg, watching the blood drip down my thigh. it stung bad when the blood dripped over the cut. i felt mixed emotions, trying to make sense of what the hell i really just did. i felt a sense of calm, relief.. yet i also felt like damn, is this really wtf i'm doing now? it's gotten this bad? i felt weak as fuck.