12 years, it only seems like 12 minutes

So right now my thoughts are on my Aunt, and how much she made me into the person I am. It always crosses my mind, how'd she be today.. and if she'd be proud of who I am. She was stern, and her look said it all. She had a presence about her that just demanded respect. She wasn't mean, but if she meant something you damn well knew it. She seemed to get me, to understand me.. and always stick up for me when I was wronged by my mother and brother. It's something that has always stuck in my mind about her. She cared enough about me that it hurt her, just like it hurt me.. they way I was treated at times. Her empathy towards me was/is priceless. She very well could be one of the few if not the only one that has ever made me feel like I was loved, accepted and cared for.. and for no other reason than she just loved me. The only person in my life I've never had to work to get affection from. I miss her unconditional love. I miss never having to second guess someone's intentions or feelings about me. I just miss her a lot right now. It's been almost 12 years since she's been gone. I still have items of hers, that are left like she had them, other than her purse that I've brought down more than a handful of times. It's always the same thing. I stare at it for a few minutes and start crying. I finally open it and look inside. Such a big, ugly purse and virtually empty. She has her hair brush in there, with a few stray grey hairs still stuck in it. She has a peppermint candy, a rubberband, a graham cracker.. other random crap. Last but not least a small notebook. She was always writing everything down. The notebook breaks my heart every time. I takes me back to when she was so out of it, in the hospice. My friends son was born while she was in there, and she was attempting to write his little name and birthday, so she wouldn't forget. You can't even read her handwriting. It was confusing her night time and day time, and it was the moment I realized my Aunt wasn't here anymore. She was here, I was looking at her.. but it was like she died right then and there. When I went home, for the first time ever in my life.. I prayed as she had been teaching me for years. I stopped being selfish and asking/pleading with God to give me the outcome I wanted.. and got on my knees and told God that if he needed her more than me, then I prayed for his will to be done. God gave us 12 more days with her. I watched the strongest woman I know, basically crumble. We were all by her side that morning, October 28th. Her breathing was very shallow and she lay silent for hours. My mom praying for her as her breathing got shorter and shorter. We keep rubbing her forehead and what little hair she had left, as we told her how much we loved her. It was right before she stopped breathing that she said "I love you" outloud. She hadn't said a word in days, it was only moans and what not. I stood over her as a few of her muscles involuntary twitched. I rubbed her hair and forehead, then leaned in to kiss her on the forehead. She was still warm. I couldn't cry. It didn't feel like it was really for real. Almost 12 years later, still it feel like she just moved and she'll be back to visit. So odd.

My Aunt and I ; 3rd birthday