Year 27

I kind of sat here thinking of what my first entry could be about for a bit. Year 27 came to mind. It's been a hell of a year for me. It started out happy, cousin just had twins. She asked me to help her take care of them, I agreed. One day, out of no where she just didn't call me or contact me, then later proceeded to delete me from facebook. All of this without telling me or letting me know anything. Later I hear that she's telling people some story about me begging to watch her babies. Umm I love my baby cousins and all but I'm 27 years old with no children.. I'm not exactly begging to babysit. It hurt me because I thought enough time had gone by since we had hung out, that she might have changed.. but no. I was pissed I put myself in that position once again.

Then I started taking care of my nephew when he was almost a month old. It has been the hardest, most awesome experience. I have him almost 11 hrs a day. I love him so, but also love giving him back lol Around the time my nephew was 4 months old, I took on caring for another baby. She was very young as well, like 3 weeks I believe. I tried my best to be able to please them both but I couldn't. I was going in sane. One day I just had it.. in general, not just with the babies. I went on a mission, tearing up.. and breaking things, even biting and hitting myself. I was spent. I had to try to check myself into bay view. It took all day long but I was in.

I spent 3 days on medicine (for the first time), talking about my problems and my life with complete strangers. It was such a nice feeling to be able to hear someone else identify with your feelings. The "oh thank God" feeling when you aren't alone, because alone fucking sucks. Then I left, because shit was getting very redundant. Now I'm out, without any meds because the Dr. that wrote the script isn't affiliated with the hospital that fills my scripts. So,  another month and I finally get an appt. with a Dr. that is affiliated with my hospital. I saw him for 2.5 seconds, he reduces my meds from 4 to 2. Tells me good day basically. Whatever, he'll see me in 3 months. I leave pretty pissed off.

A couple weeks into my meds I start to feel a lot less depressed. I'm a lot more tolerable. My mom even commented on it. Out of everyone she gets to the worst of me, so for her to say that means very much. I'm enjoying life, little things aren't getting to me. And then BAM...

The guy I like wants to leave me. He's ignoring me. I feel like I'm dying. My emotions were everywhere. I freaked the fuck out. I just kept thinking it was over, and I needed him. I'd lost him. Worst week of my life. It's been on and off with he and I. I don't feel secure with him.

My meds seem to have stopped working about a month into. I self medicated several ways. One morning I had taken a 2 mg xanax bar, I was feeling great. Wanted to talk to my bf.. he stalled and stalled and stalled. Ended up pissing me off. He ignored my txts. I just flipped, like never before this time. I cut my leg with a box cutter. Felt like I got all my feelings out,  but soon after felt like I was such a weak bitch.

I've only got 5 more months of being 27, but here's to hoping that is the worst of this and years to come.

Day 3 - No meds

day 3 - no meds

i've been sick, so really this is not a time to be stopping meds. i've been grouchy, but overall it's not been too bad. if my tooth wasn't rockin' the whole right side of my face i'd feel a whole lot better. i'm talking under my jaw all the way up to the fucking middle of my head, is in pain. i've got fever. i've hurt like every inch of my body in the last week. firstly i cut myself, then i fell down... twisted my ankle and bruised the shit out of my knee, and under my knee. i had to break into the window to get in because i didnt have keys.. i proceed to slice my thumb on tne window. rawrrrrrrr then my tooth started up. i swear someone has a freakin voodoo doll, fuckin with me. :(

Argg

well since my episode of cutting and kicking a hole in the wall, i've been feeling better. i guess i just needed a release? it's kind of shitty when you really think about it, because it's happening more often. i can't hold as much shit in anymore. once it gets to a certain point, i blow. i snap in my head. i didn't realize this until i offered my cuz my old mp3 player. i couldn't find it anywhere. finally found it and totally forgot that i tried to break it in half. the screen was all fucked up. i felt bad because she really wanted it and i trashed it in one of my stupid ass episodes without even recalling any of it. none of this is healthy for my mental.. or my body either with my blood pressure most likely sky high in the moments of my episode. i become a tornado, fucking up all kinds of shit. 

i am still in a sort of shock about cutting myself. i never thought that i would ever do that to myself. i never understood cutting. i still don't. the thought crossed my mind, why? not sure. i went to find a razor (my mom usually has some for work, cutting boxes) i saw one on the bar, picked it up.. looked at it. it was rusty on one side but the other end was fine. i took it back to my room, and sat on my bed. crazy thoughts were running through my head. it was kind of like i was against myself. i wanted to attack myself, but i also wanted to stop and save myself.. from myself. i started breathing heavily and pushed the razor until i saw blood. i just sat there looking at my leg, watching the blood drip down my thigh. it stung bad when the blood dripped over the cut. i felt mixed emotions, trying to make sense of what the hell i really just did. i felt a sense of calm, relief.. yet i also felt like damn, is this really wtf i'm doing now? it's gotten this bad? i felt weak as fuck. 

A little note

Short and Sweet

i wish i could dive into his brain,

swim with all that he's refrained.

feeling his thoughts bounce off my hips,

as a smile dances across my lips.

The book of Roman

so i was talking to a friend the other day, who is no longer my friend but that's not the point. they suggested that i read roman in it's intirety. he even read me some of the book and told me it only had 16 chapters.. piece of cake. so anyways, today i felt compelled to bust open my handy cell phone bible app and listen to the book of roman. i got half way through and stopped, but the first half was all things i knew.. just didn't break down and think too deeply about. blew me away at how much we actually do take our "gift" of salvation for granted. i, myself am not excluded. pshh am i ever? lol anyways it's really a lot that Jesus endured for us all. i can't even fathom actually enduring what He did.. and not even for his own sake. it was all done for us, so that we may be delivered from this sinful life. so that we are able to live our lives in such a way that we will be in our Lord's favor. yet, we take for granted what the gift was meant for. so many of us aren't even thankful for that, much less do we live our lives accordingly. we feel like we are entitled to forgivness of our sins, as we do not forgive others for theirs. you are measured out, how you measure out to others. that's scary to me, only because i know how i measure. you are judged by how you judge others. another scary point because i know how i am about judging others. we are all sinners. period. there is no need for my judgement. that is our Lords job.

i need to focus on giving to others, no matter what i have. if they need, i should give.. just as our Father would. He has blessed me with enough to give in many situations. i know that He will provide for me, or make a way for me when i need it. so in turn, i shall do that for His people. it's not always money, in fact a lot of the time it isn't even money. it may be time, compassion, love, care.. clothes, food etc. you will know when you are supposed to give. God will make it known to you. 

i also need to focus on what i'm doing with my life, my works, the fruit i am baring. stop judging people, especially based on looks alone. i have started that. the mental hospital opened my eyes to that in a big way. most of the people in there were people that i would take one look at and just say "no", if i had been out in the real world. i probably would have made fun of them for one thing or another. i got to know those people and liked the lot of them. everyone is human, everyone is going through something. i have to stop being so quick to judge, because most of all.. i miss out on very cool people. people that can teach me things, or open my mind to greater things. it's like that song by kings of leon, use somebody. i've been looking down at all i see. what is wrong with me. when did i decide i was so darned perfect that i actually have the right to judge anyone? 

Tiny Tornado

i'm so over this crying weepy feeling i've been having. i'm the worst with dealing with my emotions. i'm feeling like enough is enough with it. i don't want to emote. i can feel myself closing down. i try to control it so bad.. but it almost always wins. i let it, it gets so intense i just can't fight it anymore. racing thoughts are such a bitch. it's like a tiny tornado in my mind picking up and throwing all these different thoughts and ideas around. i hope the church i watch tomorrow can lift my spirits because right now i'm just....here.