Texas skies = Love

Time sure does fly...

December 2008

July 2012

12 years, it only seems like 12 minutes

So right now my thoughts are on my Aunt, and how much she made me into the person I am. It always crosses my mind, how'd she be today.. and if she'd be proud of who I am. She was stern, and her look said it all. She had a presence about her that just demanded respect. She wasn't mean, but if she meant something you damn well knew it. She seemed to get me, to understand me.. and always stick up for me when I was wronged by my mother and brother. It's something that has always stuck in my mind about her. She cared enough about me that it hurt her, just like it hurt me.. they way I was treated at times. Her empathy towards me was/is priceless. She very well could be one of the few if not the only one that has ever made me feel like I was loved, accepted and cared for.. and for no other reason than she just loved me. The only person in my life I've never had to work to get affection from. I miss her unconditional love. I miss never having to second guess someone's intentions or feelings about me. I just miss her a lot right now. It's been almost 12 years since she's been gone. I still have items of hers, that are left like she had them, other than her purse that I've brought down more than a handful of times. It's always the same thing. I stare at it for a few minutes and start crying. I finally open it and look inside. Such a big, ugly purse and virtually empty. She has her hair brush in there, with a few stray grey hairs still stuck in it. She has a peppermint candy, a rubberband, a graham cracker.. other random crap. Last but not least a small notebook. She was always writing everything down. The notebook breaks my heart every time. I takes me back to when she was so out of it, in the hospice. My friends son was born while she was in there, and she was attempting to write his little name and birthday, so she wouldn't forget. You can't even read her handwriting. It was confusing her night time and day time, and it was the moment I realized my Aunt wasn't here anymore. She was here, I was looking at her.. but it was like she died right then and there. When I went home, for the first time ever in my life.. I prayed as she had been teaching me for years. I stopped being selfish and asking/pleading with God to give me the outcome I wanted.. and got on my knees and told God that if he needed her more than me, then I prayed for his will to be done. God gave us 12 more days with her. I watched the strongest woman I know, basically crumble. We were all by her side that morning, October 28th. Her breathing was very shallow and she lay silent for hours. My mom praying for her as her breathing got shorter and shorter. We keep rubbing her forehead and what little hair she had left, as we told her how much we loved her. It was right before she stopped breathing that she said "I love you" outloud. She hadn't said a word in days, it was only moans and what not. I stood over her as a few of her muscles involuntary twitched. I rubbed her hair and forehead, then leaned in to kiss her on the forehead. She was still warm. I couldn't cry. It didn't feel like it was really for real. Almost 12 years later, still it feel like she just moved and she'll be back to visit. So odd.

My Aunt and I ; 3rd birthday

Tech N9ne - Dysfunctional (Chorus)

I'm a little dysfunctional, Don't you know?
If you push me, It might be bad
Get a little emotional, Don't you know?
You could fool around and make me mad
I'm a little dysfunctional, Don't you know?
If you push me, It might be bad
Get a little emotional, Don't you know?
Might fool around and make me mad
Don't make me mad

Bucket List?

Finish reading the Bible
Publish something
Raise a child
Driven an ATV
Try painting
Zumba
Piano
Acoustic guitar
Grow my nails
Live happily ever after in a huge Texas country home while photographing the lovey scenery and people of Texas.
--will add more later

Kickball All Stars 2012

This is the brat :)

I had so much fun chaperoning the brat in her all star tournament. First of all I got to spend time with my bestie, which had been long over due. Opening ceremonies were kind of long and drawn out. An older woman sat behind me and talked shit the whole time. Inside I was laughing, because much of what she said I said to myself in my own head. Anyways opening ceremonies kind of got me pumped for the games. We ate and then went back to hotel. The girls  decorated pillow cases and whatever. Then they watched tv for a bit. The brat came in the room with me and we talked about things, things I do not remember.. which, is odd but yeah. I was surprised that she wanted to spend time with me and not her team mates. She MUST have missed me lol She kept me up for hours just blabbing. I must have told her in a not to so way to please be quiet lol She finally passed out, and I was there wide awake.

My morning sucked to say the least lol I was dead ass tired. We had breakfast, team meeting, and the game. The girls played beautifully. It was a great game. The girls ended up winning against a very good team, That however was the end of their winnings lol poor girls. Other divisions from our league placed 3rd and 4th. Great games as well. Loved the moments where we all cheered and showed our pride in our league. It can be so divided on the fields at times, so when everyone is standing and clapping and smiling... it's an amazing feeling.

and... her all star team this year.

Year 27

I kind of sat here thinking of what my first entry could be about for a bit. Year 27 came to mind. It's been a hell of a year for me. It started out happy, cousin just had twins. She asked me to help her take care of them, I agreed. One day, out of no where she just didn't call me or contact me, then later proceeded to delete me from facebook. All of this without telling me or letting me know anything. Later I hear that she's telling people some story about me begging to watch her babies. Umm I love my baby cousins and all but I'm 27 years old with no children.. I'm not exactly begging to babysit. It hurt me because I thought enough time had gone by since we had hung out, that she might have changed.. but no. I was pissed I put myself in that position once again.

Then I started taking care of my nephew when he was almost a month old. It has been the hardest, most awesome experience. I have him almost 11 hrs a day. I love him so, but also love giving him back lol Around the time my nephew was 4 months old, I took on caring for another baby. She was very young as well, like 3 weeks I believe. I tried my best to be able to please them both but I couldn't. I was going in sane. One day I just had it.. in general, not just with the babies. I went on a mission, tearing up.. and breaking things, even biting and hitting myself. I was spent. I had to try to check myself into bay view. It took all day long but I was in.

I spent 3 days on medicine (for the first time), talking about my problems and my life with complete strangers. It was such a nice feeling to be able to hear someone else identify with your feelings. The "oh thank God" feeling when you aren't alone, because alone fucking sucks. Then I left, because shit was getting very redundant. Now I'm out, without any meds because the Dr. that wrote the script isn't affiliated with the hospital that fills my scripts. So,  another month and I finally get an appt. with a Dr. that is affiliated with my hospital. I saw him for 2.5 seconds, he reduces my meds from 4 to 2. Tells me good day basically. Whatever, he'll see me in 3 months. I leave pretty pissed off.

A couple weeks into my meds I start to feel a lot less depressed. I'm a lot more tolerable. My mom even commented on it. Out of everyone she gets to the worst of me, so for her to say that means very much. I'm enjoying life, little things aren't getting to me. And then BAM...

The guy I like wants to leave me. He's ignoring me. I feel like I'm dying. My emotions were everywhere. I freaked the fuck out. I just kept thinking it was over, and I needed him. I'd lost him. Worst week of my life. It's been on and off with he and I. I don't feel secure with him.

My meds seem to have stopped working about a month into. I self medicated several ways. One morning I had taken a 2 mg xanax bar, I was feeling great. Wanted to talk to my bf.. he stalled and stalled and stalled. Ended up pissing me off. He ignored my txts. I just flipped, like never before this time. I cut my leg with a box cutter. Felt like I got all my feelings out,  but soon after felt like I was such a weak bitch.

I've only got 5 more months of being 27, but here's to hoping that is the worst of this and years to come.