Loca loca loca

i'm emotional. what is freakin new? lol i've been listening to this song over and over again. this morning it just got to me and i started to cry. i dislike a lot of things i've done, and the person i've been towards some people. sometimes i get so down on myself. i hate it, but i do like to punish myself. i wish i wasn't like that. i wish i could just be ok with myself. i mean it's good that i do realize my behavior isn't acceptable. i'm the one standing in the way of my own happiness. all of this hurt and shame i gotta let it go.. i gotta forgive myself. i'm not always going to be the perfect person i feel like i MUST be. all the advice i give to all my friends to make them feel better, i need to take.. as well. it's normal to feel overwhelmed by life.. it's a crazy roller coaster.. but i'ma be here til i go to a better place so i just gotta put my all into being a better me everyday. today is going to be a good day, even if i am emotional. i can cry and smile if i want. who cares i'm bi-polar! :]

Forgiveness and Reminders

so my life isn't exactly like i want it to be, but guess what? i don't care right now. happiness and positivity is a choice. everything i say and do has the power to be great or shit. i choose great, even if everything around me isn't exactly such.. it is, because i made that choice. get it? so i was conversing with a friend of mine who reminded me of the importance of my words. he pointed out that i say too many colorful words. i'd love to deny that and shoot you an innocent look, but it's totally true.. and it's not even cool. without my even knowing it those words set my mood. he's right. i wish i could say i came to this notion on my own, but hey the Lord puts people in your life for reasons right? of course i can't just cut all the colorful words out of my vocabulary at once, and the same with my negative thoughts too. Slowly but surely though I can be more positive than negative.. even just by small choices. my words mean so much more than i even thought. it's nuts. i'm starting to enjoy just beats to songs, and or piano/violin covers of songs with negative words in them. music can serve it's purpose without filling your mind with goo. i'm starting to sound like i'm some old lady but i'm so serious. changing the words i say and/or hear, changes the mood i am in. i'm on the positive train and i got no brakes lol feeling thankful and blessed.

Bigger Better Deal Bitches

i'm all for people bettering themselves and doing right. i just really hate it when they do change for the better and they cut you off.. as if you were someone that was holding them down the whole time and shit.

i wanted nothing more for you, but to better yourself and live a clean and sober life.. and take responabilty for your own. i supported you when you were strung out and worthless. i even gave you tough love when my softer side seemed to not work. i cried when you relapsed thinkng here we go again. i wasn't wrong there we went for round 5,000, with you losing every single fucking one. still i was your friend, still i wanted what was best for you. i was a place you could come to eat, or sleep when no one else even wanted you around, or even if they did all they did was shit talk you to death. 

thanks for getting your shit straight and taking care of your daughter. you still have a SON ya know. he loves you too. why don't you see him? why aren't you there for him? that's really fucked up. how's he gunna feel thinking he wasn't good enough for you to get your shit straight, but his sister was? it hurts me really deeply that i have not and probably will not see you or your daughter. this is the life you dreamed of, that everyone wanted for you. why now, do you run away from everyone that fucking helped you in any way. talking shit saying that no one comes before your daughter and husband. well no shit bitch. that's what i tried to ingrain in your stupid ass big head full of shit. i don't want to come before your children and husband.. i just want you to be a friend to me, as i was to you. i just miss you. fuck! simply put you're not around because you don't need me anymore. nice to know bitch. =/